A Change Is Gonna Come

I expected the year after college to be a shock to my system, a colonic of emotional duress. It wasn’t. It was a year to celebrate ridiculous firsts, like the first time I made cookies in an apartment where I basically paid all the bills myself. The first time I walked a bag of beer bottles out to the dumpster at the apartment I basically paid for. The first year after graduation was hopeful and stagnant. I was a grown up, who apparently wasn’t going anywhere.

My second year out of college, my second year out among the working, my second year living in the ant colony affectionately labeled the ‘burbs was the one that shook me. I had never realized the mediocrity was an option. Who had ever warned me that routine middleclass adulthood might be all I could every hope for.

the above was found written on a tiny scrape of paper tucked inside a book i finished monthes ago. one of those times of emotional clarity that i wanted to make sure I captured. im sure my intention was to dutifully copy it later into my journal. i have several journals. i think my current total is around 35 books, ranging from floral bedecked ribbon tied journals to the sleek black moleskines i currently favor. the earlist is from 3rd grade, i made the latest entry last night.

i like my journals. and they have served many purposes. from faithfully concealing a gradeschool crush on billy joel to documenting my top ten record list of 1994. greenday's dookie made the cut. lately they have served as sounding boards for careers moves, essays never developed, and poems never quite finished. they have become a place for quotes and sermons and really good recipes. they have become a place to think through my relationships. and they have become my primary format for talking to God.

i will confess that i am not good at prayer.

i have a hard time going beyond the awkward requests and thanks. the trick of talking to an empyt chair always seemed creepy. and praying aloud proved distracting. so i write them. i write Him letters. and this seems to work for me. its a way to organize my thoughts and direct them. its provides tangible documentation of answers and trials. and if my mind wanders in the middle to songs from The Band album The Band then i can always find my way back to where i was- on the page and in my mind.

clara voce cogito

im thinking out loud