psalm 73

21 When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
22 I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.
23 Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

i gave the readers' digest condensed version of my testimony last night; smart child who becomes bitter & cynical & sees people as inconviences, who is broken by circumstances she cant bs her way through. it was good to think though those things, those times.

If I raise my hands just lift the shade
Will I reveal a sky heavy and gray?
Will last night be a memory sweetly fading?
How I hate a morning starting out this way
On these lonely raging mornings I would whip you if I could
But Your on the mighty side of strong and the perfect side of good

If I raise my hands will you grab me by the wrists
And will you try to pull me from the fray?
And even if my fingers join together into fists
Will you hold me firmly anyway?
'Cause I would try to escape you but for everyday I'm sure
That You're on the huge side of big and the holy side of pure
Ok, hear what I say
As I raise my hands and surrender today
Ok, here I will stay
Hands in the air, singing have Thine own way

i never got into the cheesy christian music scene. i was "too cool" for that stuff. the steven curtis chapman cd always looked scared next to the violent femmes. but my dad gave me "the waiting" cd when i was in high school & i sang this song in mexico-during a period of faux-religiousity. it sums up my testimony. God drug me, kicking & screaming, to Him. my mom always says that there are people who learn by example and people who have to do it on their own. im the 2nd. plus i usually have to learn it several times...

If I raise my hands so weak and thin and frail
Will you reveal the light of mercy in your eyes?
If I cry to you faintly will my feeble whispers fail
Or will it find its way to a reply?
'Cause now that I'm exhausted I think I'm ready to admit
That I've spent all my resistance on someone I can't resist
Ok, hear what I say
As I raise my hands, in surrender today
Ok, here I will stay
Hands in the air singing have Thine own way

i didnt come to Christ willingly. i came because He called & i could see no other option. my super-human will, my immense pride, my authoritative intellect had failed me & i had no other resources to draw from. i remember sitting in mexico- bitter as usual w/church leadership, other people in general & why there was seperate sex swimming at the pool- and hearing this last verse. i had never heard anything other than God being someone that everyone graciously accepted & immediately went to as soon as you knew He was there. but that wasnt my experience. i hid. i pretended. i stalled. i busied. i was surrounded by people who lived the sacricifice of faith. i knew that it would cost. i knew that shallowness with Him would get me nowhere. i was scared.

Light from my window sill make my way to the door
I hang my head and still I know your wanting more
Over the threshold now I move across the yard
Although my will allows my every step is hard
Now in the garden I carve out six feet of space
There make my will comply lie down upon my face
Been toe to toe too long I'm tired of fighting You
I see You were too strong, 'cause I am black and blue
But now I understand what losers do to win
How every dying man is sure to rise again
So I raise my left hand one I raise my right hand two
Under the morning sun, my spirit cries to You

He called. i came. He offered up everything & i am learning how to let go.
i wont pretend that i surrendered everything immediately. daily i recognize things ive kept & the process of turning them over is ever going. but He is there holding my hand, showing me His way.