things that make me happy from a book im embarrassed to own

life is not meant to be linear. the path from birth to death is not a straight-line journey; its a zig-zag... the linear point of view says first get an education, the work hard, then retire so you can finally begin living. but by that time, many people have forgotten how to live, or else they're so exhausted by getting to where they've gotten that there's no life left. the alternative is to live all your life as fully as possible. to challenge the existing script. to wander as opposed to sticking to the straight and narrow. of course, this is scary and isn't easy, as it means we have to continually ask questions about our life, our love, our work.
lets face it:if the average life span of a person is, say, seventy years, one or two years are not going to have that much of a detrimental impact on the overall outcome of our lives. even if we forgo that internship we were offered, graduate late, take a year of to work, or do whatever else we've thought about doing, success and accomplishment are just not that dependent on our making every decision perfectly or within a self-induced time frame. our view of God need to be bigger than that.
we sometimes forget that some of the greatest people in history didn't make their marks on the world until they hit their thirties, forties, fifties, or even sixties. instead, we allow our culture to pressure us into having everything figured out and wrapped up in a nice, neat little package by the time we're twenty-five years old. is this realistic? is this healthy? is this how it usually works?
we don't think so.

a crisis of location

when i was in college i wrote an essay exploring whether the where affects the what. at the time i was in arkadelphia surrounded by blonde ponytails, pink polos, and seersucker pants. well, only one guy wore seersucker pants but that was enough. keep in mind i had just finished a second reading of walden and would have joined a "back to nature" commune in a heartbeat, so my perspective was perhaps a tad dramatic.

but im still asking the same question.

recently over coffee with other ouachita educated folks the topic turned to suburbia- and everyone agreed, it's sucking our souls. something about this place is so soothing and you become fearful that maybe one day you'll wake-up and realize you're fifty and half your life is already spent. the other fear, and perhaps the more rational one, is that you will grow to genuinely love suburbia. and my twentysomething mind is fearful of the person that loves suburbia.
i think my fear of suburbia is actually a fear that i will grow old and boring. old and eccentric is appealing- but im not sure if that happens in suburbia.

MLK, jr said that everyone has the potential for greatness. His definition differentiated between greatness and fame. greatness was rooted in service and this could be achieved by anyone.
i fear suburbia because i fear obscurity. im afraid that i wont reach my potential for greatness in a place with tract housing and manicured lawns. the doctor says that greatness can be achieved anywhere by anyone- anyone who's serving. all of this calls me back to the person i was created to be and away from my ego's longings.

i think a change of scenery might be good for me... not because of an irrational fear or my ego's pull...
but simply because even goldfish appreciate a new view every now and then.

do not covet your neighbor's project

*name have been changed to protect the innocent and ignorant
my 6th graders had projects due today. most of them brought the standard poster and summary. one boy asked me if i was going to kill him. i think he meant because he was projectless and not because this is a daily concern.

and then in walked blondie. with a box. a golden box.
she had made a golden ark complete with 10 commandments board game!!!
inside the box were two styrofoam tablets with commandments on them with BURNT edges for that authentic ancient look.

i love blondie.
i loved her before she turned in the project to end all projects.
but im a little concerned.
is this a nervous breakdown waiting to happen?
am i going to get mentioned in counseling sessions 15 years from now
... well it all started in 6th grade when my social studies teacher praised me for my perfect project and from then on everything had to be perfect...

maybe she and kill-boy can get together and balance each other out.

just another quarter life crisis

ive spent my morning at the ualr website, swallowing my pride and researching a MALS degree.
a MA in Liberal Studies is the perfect degree for me.
see i dont know what i want to be when i grow up.
people have asked me this questions my entire life. and except for a brief period in kindergarten when i wanted to be a tollbooth operator, ive had good answers.
when i was in junior high i was going to duke- cause daddy went there- and i was going to be a lawyer. when i was in high school i was going to furman to study music and become the first broadway lead over 6 feet tall.
God has a great sense of humor.
i was called to ouachita, in the middle of nowhere, and started various degrees... english, polisci...
and finally settled on history and education. so i teach. that what you do with those degrees.
but every couple of months i play the "what if?" game.
what if i did something else?
i enjoy teaching. but im not sure if its what ive been called to do. and that one little word can trip up the best of intentions.
ive always been jealous of people who say "i knew at 15 i was called to china to preach at the orphanage." when i was 15 my main goal was to avoid being grounded, again. i covet those specific callings to teach, to preach, even the ones to fix leaky sinks. people who know what they are suppose to do and do it are fascinating to me.
my dad's like that. he is suppose to be a doc and he's good at it and he enjoys it and on those good days everything just seems like it fits together.
im not there yet. and something tells me i might never be there. im too flaky to ever settle somewhere for long- a rambler i suppose.
so im researching a buffet style degree in a city i never thought i would be in
and praying for lightnin'.

On Kaua'i we kayaked down the Wailua river and hiked to one of many sacred waterfalls. We fought off wild chickens for our lunch (I'm not kidding, there are chickens all over the island) and then we hiked back. Our guide, Makaio, is dad's new best friend because he is the only other person in the world to find the 100s of types of ginger interesting.

the day my mother almost killed us

so im normally not a big mud person. but riding on a mud buggy in one of the wettest spots on earth was amazing- not so much for christy jane. she wouldn't talk to us for the rest of the day. (p.s. the field behind us in where they shot the opening scenes of the movie outbreak)

ancient hawaiian wisdom

menehunes? no dem my kine

my precious little brother...

my momma is a white woman

in a little grass shack...

maui makes my heart happy. we've been back from hawaii for weeks and im just now dealing with pictures. but i promise they're worth it...

greasy haired miracles

i will admit that there are days when i despise my job.
days where im convinced that all the small children of the world are out to get me.

then there are days like today that remind me why i left dear auffenberg and berry to tread cautiously amongst the ed majors.

to preface-
i teach latin.
i teach latin to 3rd through 8th graders.
im enjoying this more than i ever thought i would.

today in a 4th grade class, a little boy entered my room. eyes wide beneath unwashed unbrushed hair. and proclaimed "justus sum" with the authority of charlemagne. then in a half moment glanced at me for confirmation that he did indeed know his name- and then back to his heroic poise that 4th grade ladies cannot yet appreciate.

i want to take him home. but i believe the technical word for that is kidnapping. plus my housemate wouldn't let me keep him-she's been known to kick the cats that lounge on our porch.

burning down the house

i did not mean to try to burn the school down...
most days i like the school. it's where my paychecks are mailed.
i don't remember any particularly strong feelings of dislike for the school in my heart this morning. and yet i did try to burn it down. facts versus feelings.

the firemen had already been to school once today. we had a fire drill.
fire drills are great as a student. the lecture is interrupted. the test postponed. the assignment suspended. fire drills suck for teachers. loud blaring noises that jolt us out of our classroom cocoons, into the harsh natural light reflecting off black pavement.

the firemen came again when i tried to burn down the school.

i had really good intentions.
i had used all the paper in the copy machine. no one but a public school teacher knows how horrible it is to approach the copy machine and see that blinking paper light. the search that must follow.
i went to retrieve some paper for the poor soul who was sure to follow me at the copy machine.
it was a most noble mission.
i forgot about my popcorn.
i forgot for about 15 minutes.

i remembered when i smelled the smoke on the other side of the building.
i remembered when i saw the smoke billowing out of the now permanently stained microwave.
i remembered as little children were evacuated from their rooms, clutching their mouths, hoping for fresh air.
i remembered when the red red fire trucks came to school a second time.

ill remember for the rest of the day because my hair has retained the stench of scorched popcorn and cleaning supplies.
facts versus feelings.

if i were there...

Building
Originally uploaded by rool.

i wouldn't be blogging

let me entertain you, let me make you smile...

i never thought i would have a blog.
i like books; old smelly musty awkward books.
i hate metal.
i hate things with parts i can't name.
i hate the words "program code"
my degree is in the study of old things.
i now have a blog.
part peer pressure, part curiousity, part vanity